My fear’s bigger than your fear

This post is part of LIFT's 7 part #ConnectionKindness series 
For Tip #1, click here | For Tip #2, click here | For Tip #3, click here

How are you going this week?

Leaders that I’ve been coaching this past week are in two baskets:

• Still in the storm of crisis management, supporting staff to #WFH, restructuring, and checking their services are meeting demands, OR
• Starting to exit the storm, settle into a new world of business/service — but unsure if another storm front is approaching. (Or not. And if not, is THIS now the new normal?)

In both cases, one thing is common: when things go haywire (*AKA present situation*), everyone has a fear of some kind — and for each of us, these can be quite different or show up as different kinds of “symptoms”.

Our reactions, and level of reaction, to crisis differ, too. (Think about your colleagues or team members… there are some who always operate at a cool 2/10 ❄ when big things happen and others who unerringly go straight to 11 😱 no matter the urgency or impact).

^{[Image: Thanks Isaac Quesada via Unsplash]}

Our capacity to judge or be compassionate about our own fears, and those of others’, changes depending on the day, our sleep, the food we did or didn’t eat, our to do list, the number of Zoom meetings in a row etc. After all, we are human.

If I could choose just one resource to share with you on fear, it would be this.

Throughout my career and in my personal life, I’ve taken a lot of guidance from Susan Jeffers’ amazing book, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway (please do read it if you haven’t yet!) Although she wrote this book in 1987, it remains a bestseller and inspiration for many — including me — on how to deal with fear (and the anxiety it creates) in all aspects of our lives. Perhaps 30+ years on, it’s more relevant than ever!

Susan + Brenē have taught me: everyone has fears; everyone is worrying about something in a given situation. What we choose to “breathe in and breathe out” is what determines our response (or reaction) to those fears.

With “Rona” presenting so many challenges to our usual way of life, you and your team members are probably coming up against some or all of these fears, right now:

The basics. Do we have food? Can we get food (safely)? What about 🧻?!

Finances. How am we going to cover the bills? How do I plan from here?

Career. Is my job safe? How do I work from home and help the kids study?  Can I prove my worth when I’m not in the office?

Family. Is everyone okay? What do they need?

Health. Am I going to get COVID-19? How will we cope if I do?  Why am I feeling jittery, confused, or just plain anxious each day?

My Leadership. What is my purpose in this new world? How do I manage virtual staff/teams? I don’t know ANY of the answers anymore so what use am I?

As leaders, we need to be compassionate with ourselves first, so we can do the same for others.  We have fears going on for us and for the teams we’re leading. And we are tired already.

So we need to remember to be kind to ourselves and others, to not cast judgment as to the right and wrong ways to be scared (spoiler: there isn’t a right and wrong way).

We need to take a step back from the immediate concerns being presented and understand that actually, every fear (yes, EVERY FEAR!) boils down to just one.

“What if I can’t cope?”

Which actually answers the question: “What is my purpose in this new world?”

It’s to make sure your people realise that they can cope.

Facilitate this by modelling clarity, calm and courage. Connect with them to discuss how they’re feeling and thinking, and what you can do to support them. This builds a sense of safety, confidence and trust in your leadership.

How?

Clarity is what helps the most. Calm is contagious (so to help others be calm, centre yourself – meditate, practice yoga, go for a run, take a third space etc).  And use consistent language (give short, easy to understand messages).

I’ve led many teams in many different industries in my career. And I NEVER knew all the answers.  At times I didn’t know the clear path (who does?) but I always built strong trust-based relationships that served me and my team well in all weather but especially storms ⛈

It’s also okay (actually, it’s vital in our new world) to share that you don’t know what the path will look like next week (maybe even tomorrow) because priorities and circumstances are changing at a rate we’ve never seen before.

You can tell them what you do know right now and build confidence in that certainty – in that circle of control and influence (thanks, Stephen Covey) – and keep your focus and your team’s effort on that.

So please watch my #ConnectionKindness Tip 4 video on Fears & Focus (at the top of this post), choosing compassion over judgement that ultimately builds that “holy grail” for all leaders. Trust.

PS: Remember to join our FREE Courage Creators Community on Facebook. You don’t want to miss our next Live on Tuesday 28 April at 8 pm, where we're talking about Listening to your Grandmother: How to build a sense of safety, unity and trust by talking less. (Plus we’ve got another exciting announcement coming for this community).

PPS: If you’re a leader feeling tired, overwhelmed, and a little confused on your purpose in this new world, reach out for a super-fast battery recharge of clarity, calm and courage, in a 30 minute online session (read: very little downtime, massive ROI 💪), and sign up for Connection Wellness Coaching. Don’t lead alone; find out more here.