What’s your one question?

How do I feel?

Seems such a simple question to answer.

Yet, I’ve found it’s one of the most powerful ways to reconnect to Me. Especially when I’m feeling “super busy”, under pressure or so I’d-rather-just-pull-the-doona-over-my-head fatigued.

As a coach, I’m constantly reminded that our human experiences are common, yet we can feel alone, so I’m sharing mine here, in case it’s an empowering match for you.

In the last Connection Diaries edition, I talked about how unwell I was at the start of 2022, some of which I had ignored or recognised way too late. Like any big event, it taught me some important life lessons: looking after my resilience levels instead of ignoring the flashing “dash light”, thinking I can keep going, even when my fuel tank is empty! Fortunately, my body is smarter than my head and it decided to stop. Since then, I’ve been making important small changes to bring my head and heart together to “talk” more often.

Asking myself “How do I feel?” is one such change. It’s become my “one question” — and for a person who isn’t so great at routines, nine months later I’m still asking this question. And it’s still working.

Why this question?

It’s quick AND effective. I find it cuts out a lot of “noise” in my head and demands a heart-led (inner wisdom/intuition) answer to what’s going on for me.

“How do I feel?” makes me stop, breathe, reflect and consider “Me.”

It’s not…

How do I feel about my family?

Or my partner? Or the kids or the neighbour or my sister, brother, parents…?

Or my car that needs servicing?

Or my garden that needs weeding?

Or catching up with that friend that I’ve been meaning to?

Or my never-ending inbox or urgent To Do list?

Or… or… 🤪

“How do I feel?” requires me to answer about Me. For Me. Just Me.

Considering everything or everyone else before ourselves can be our default but what if that’s not healthy?  What if it keeps us in “busy” because we know how to do busy and feel worthy, rushing around helping, doing, stressed? What if it’s a form of distraction? Maybe even armour? What if we’re avoiding this armour-penetrating question we know will require a vulnerable answer?!

And… what if we know, that we don’t know, the answer?

At first, I didn’t know the answer. It didn’t come easily or quickly; often my answers were superficial or not feelings but actions.

So, each time I stopped and asked this one question, I tried to improve my process, shaping a structure around it to streamline my focus and maximise impact. If you’ve read this far, maybe we have some self-care challenges in common and I hope you’ll explore how this process can become part of your self-care and wellbeing strategy, too.

What to do

Step 1

Dedicate some minutes, solely for you.

This is the hardest part: STOP🛑 for a while.

You get to decide on the time because we both know if I suggest five, ten, or fifteen minutes, your brain will immediately say: “I haven’t got that time!”

And before you head takes over, as mine can… you’re not doing NOTHING. Being still and spending time with yourself, looking inward instead of out, is you doing SOMETHING courageous and vital to your wellbeing.

So, you decide.

(I started with ten minutes. The first few times, it took maybe fifteen minutes to get my head to ssshhhh and let my heart be heard. Nowadays, it’s a five-minute, powerful start to my day. On weekends, I look forward to taking longer, if I wish.)

Step 2

The night before, organise a notepad and pen in the spot where you’ll sit.

(I stay in bed, puff up the pillows, open the blinds and relax… so my spot is my bedside table).

Step 3

Be kind to yourself. You may not be doing this every day — and that’s okay!

Set yourself a target and see how you go.

(I started with three times a week, on days I felt I’d have better success not jumping straight out of bed rushing towards ‘doing’!)

How to do it

Tip 1 - Decide where

For me, “How do I feel?” must be answered BEFORE I get out of bed. Otherwise, I can’t be trusted to not get distracted by other things to do! This may not be for you — you know how you work best! You might get up, grab a cuppa, go for a walk, sit in your house or garden, or hide in the cupboard away from the kids J

Me? Once I get out of bed, my brain starts thinking about All The Things To Do. Once I start talking to my partner or doing anything, the doorway to ‘how I’m feeling’ is much harder to reach. At times, I think I’ve gotten up and into ‘doing’ to avoid the “one question”!

So, the “how” (and "where") for me = stay in bed.

Tip 2 – Notice old messages / inner chatter that question the value of time with yourself

 I don’t stay in bed easily; my entire upbringing consisted of themes: “Get out of bed and start the day” or “What are you doing just sitting there wasting time?” Sitting still in bed without being sick, just taking time to stop and check in with my emotional well-being is a massive challenge to childhood messages that no longer serve me. If it’s the same for you, please take a leap of faith and try it; it’s worth it. 

Tip 3 – Find those “feeling” answers

I’ve found asking “How do I feel?” requires me to supervise the honesty of my own answers. Which means not answering with “I want to do xyz at work today” or “I think Dad needs to…” Those are all thinking answers, not FEELINGS.

Sometimes I find other questions help me move from head thoughts to heart feelings such as “What does my BODY need?” (eg: water, rest, walking, stretching, time in the sun etc).

“What does my soul need?” (Play music, cook, write, walk dog, have cuppas etc…)

“What does my mind need?” (Puzzles, some fun, time to mind-wander* without purpose…)

Tip 4 – Carpark “To Do” thoughts

During the early days, when “To Do’s” kept flooding in, I found a separate note page (a Car Park List) to quickly capture these, helped me stop worrying I’d forget them, freeing me to refocus on “How do I feel?”. Car Parking outmanoeuvres a mind avoiding “feeling” questions.

Tip 5 – Choose a simple single response

Now you’ve asked the “one question” and heard your heart. You’ve listened to how you’re feeling. Now, please invite your head to help make a response plan with a simple single commitment.

Maybe to acknowledge feelings that have come up and commit to noticing these during the day. Perhaps a commitment to prioritise ‘xxxx’ that you know your mind, body and soul need. Or stop/not doing ‘xxx’. Or nothing at all except committing to meeting your head and heart same place same time tomorrow.

However you respond is enough; it’s already enough that you stopped and asked “the one question”!

TL;DR: How (short version):

Stop, in service of you…

• The night before: arrange your notepad and pen next to your bed (no phone or tablet – must be paper!)
• In the morning, stay in bed or bedroom away from the busy house or tempting “tasks to do”
• Ask: “How do I feel?” (download Brenē Brown’s awesome 87 Emotions & Experiences sheet to help you consider all the feelings/emotions beyond just “I feel happy / mad / sad / bad / glad / scared… etc”).
• Self-check you’re not actually writing a To Do list, slipping into thinking instead of feeling!
• Add some warm-up questions if “How do I feel?” seems not to be working right away (see above suggestions).
• Carpark your To do’s (see how above).
• Finish with your simple single response.

There are many names for this technique. A similar concept is Morning Pages where you journal your thoughts. For me, this creates too many opportunities for distraction. I needed to shape a single question that worked for me. Feel free to create your own “one question” that works for you.

Whenever and wherever you do it, staying in bed in the morning or waiting until later at night, pausing and asking: “How do I feel?” is always a strengthening influence on your resilience and overall wellbeing.

An executive leader I coached last year, through the turbulence of Covid, shared her experiences in developing this practice for herself:

"Just listening to my body and staying in bed (rather than mentally convincing myself to get up and rush out into my day) has proven to be way better for me.

"The change has been amazing. I have had more clarity during the day at work feeling more aware of “me” in my interactions instead of running on auto or becoming tired and reactive without realising it.

"My relationship with my kids and some challenging people at work has improved, I think because I’ve started my day by slowing down to understand me, where I’m at “in me” and what I’m feeling. As I’ve worked all that out at the start, I’ve noticed the rest of my day I’m more present in conversations and making better, less rushed, more confident decisions…YAY for me!"

In this world focused on Busy, please remember: we’re not machines; we’re amazing complex human beings. Each of us needs to know what’s going on inside so we can understand what’s going on outside.

So, to live and lead at your best, set yourself up for success by staying in bed! 😆

PS: Interested in knowing more about you? Self-knowledge is essential to trusted leadership. And you can fast track your self-knowledge through profiles that identify your strongest team role, your own level of resilience and your unconscious motivators that drive you.

Check out LIFT Insightful Profiling and get triple the self-knowledge benefit with our special discounted package, the Triple Profiling Power Pack.