When judgement stops trust-building dead in its tracks, get restarted with this

Non-Judgemental Behaviour is the sixth part of our (Re)building Trust series and the N in the BRAVING acronym.

In this context, and as defined by Brené Brown, Non-Judgemental Behaviour is:

“I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you need. We can talk about how we feel without judgment.”

In a nutshell, this is what I, and Tim Clark and many others, see as a key ingredient to psychological safety.

We want to create a safe space for our interactions; somewhere that we both feel safe and supported to express what we need, know that we’ll be listened to, and, if appropriate, our needs might be met.

No one is jumping ahead, making up a story about the situation, about motivations, reasons, actions, next moves.

We’re not forming a judgement.

We keep asking curious questions to understand more, long before we share our view, and in doing so, create our non-judgemental space that builds trust with each other.

This can be created between two people, a group, a team or an entire community.

BUT…

If we’re interacting with someone, and they sense that we’re judging them, well, that’s when trust-building stops, dead in its tracks, and psychological safety goes out the window…pretty sure that is a mixed metaphor but you know what I mean, right? 😊

We are all wonderfully imperfect human beings and we all judge.

We can, all too often, react rather than respond and we all know this rarely creates a psychologically safe space for us or anyone else!

How does it happen so fast?

Well, we let our emotions unconsciously drive our actions.

(Watch my video to find out the steps that stop this happening 🛑)

Especially when the environment feels uncertain, risky or overwhelming, we, as leaders,  can put unrealistic pressure on ourselves to know all the answers and we try to construct a situation that feels more certain, more within our control — for us, and those we lead.

But doing this often results in judgement rather than curiosity. Both in what we say and how we say it (verbally or non-verbally!)

While it may feel safer to make things seem certain, black and white, right and wrong, it’s ALWAYS at the cost of our teams and us feeling safe to question this certainty we’ve created.

We don’t learn from, and challenge, that same constructed certainty.

And that starts suffocating agility and innovation — two behaviours which are actually essential to navigate the uncertainty of change.

So, what can you do to model non-judgemental behaviour?

Here are some strategies I go through in my 15 minute Little LIFT video:

• Be aware of your body. Is it saying, “I’m judging your words as wrong or boring?” or “I don’t want to hear your feedback?” (AKA crossed arms, a raised eyebrow, a distracted face, restless posture, or rushing in meetings etc).
• Name your feelings. If you’re finding it hard to stay out of judgement in a conversation, name it: “I’m finding this conversation really challenging. I’m feeling increasingly concerned where this is going. Can we talk through the last two points  a little bit more so I can understand your view?”
• Slow down. Most interactions are better when we slow ourselves down. With a slower pace, slower breathing and slower words, we give ourselves (our mind and heart) the best chance to connect and be mindful. To observe ourselves and hear what the person is saying without filtering it personally.
• Take a break. Not forever, definitely not for a long period (that’s avoidance). Just long enough to calm down / regroup / bring the temperature down / get your thoughts straight (i.e. it’s not about you; it’s about the issue).
• Ask, not tell. It’s always more productive to respond to someone with a question rather than a statement. Questions connect; statements disconnect!
• Then….ask more questions. “What does that look like? How does that make you feel?” Be genuinely curious to REALLY understand. While you’re doing that, you’re not in your assessment/judgement brain; you’re in your learning/problem-solving brain.
• (Don’t ask “WHY?” – see the video for more on this.)
• Ask “What if…?” This question is the gateway to empathy. And you cannot be judgemental and empathic at the same time….try it…I guarantee you can’t do it!

Go on, press PLAY ▶️ (at the top of the post) to learn more… and let’s build trust through modelling Non-Judgemental Behaviour.

(Speed me up to chipmunk in the settings, if you need to!)

Enjoy, and see you soon for the last (Re)building Trust BRAVING element, Generous Intent.