Do you feel safe enough to be generous?

We're finally there...

Generous Intent is the seventh and final part of our (Re)building Trust series and the G in the BRAVING acronym.

LINUS: I think you're afraid to be happy, Charlie Brown. Don't you think happiness would be good for you?

CHARLIE: I don't know... What are the side effects?

Peanuts comic strip character, Charlie Brown, always seemed to have resistance to choosing happiness. And just like him, we can naturally be resistant to assuming generous intent.

Because assuming generous intent isn’t easy.

Because like the old phrase: “Assume makes an @#$ out of ….” (you know how it goes!)

Because it’s easier to list off the dangers of being generous rather than the benefits.

So, yes, I agree that expecting the best of something or someone isn’t easy.

It feels risky, uncertain and emotionally exposed to expect that the other person’s intention is good and they’re doing their best, especially when it creates conflict….

But, the other option is to live your life like Charlie Brown☹

Yes, some of our schoolyard, sporting or study experiences taught us NOT to expect the best of situations and protect ourselves.

And many of our jobs have taught us (and rewarded us) for NOT assuming positive or generous intent of another.

So like our previous skill (non-judgemental behaviour), I know I’m asking a lot — Generous Intent is TOUGH.

It requires us to be vulnerable. To expect the best of someone else. To extend the most generous interpretation possible for another person’s intentions, words and actions (Brené Brown’s definition).

Knowing that we could get hurt or be wrong or look stupid etc, etc.

Yet to use an Australianism🦘, to cut each other a bit of slack, is at the core of being our best selves, giving another the benefit of the doubt, a second chance, a fair shake!

…and yes, it’s easy to say and ain’t so easy to actually do!

As humans, we naturally default to judgement. From a young age, most of us have learnt to constantly monitor for threats (physical and psychological), and to protect ourselves by armouring up. We are told or observed that people don’t often do the right thing by us; they won’t have generous intent towards us.

So it becomes easier (and feels safer) to assume the worst, rather than the best.

It may well keep us alive at times but more often it doesn’t build trust or connection (or a whole bunch of other things that make life beautiful).

So, assuming we want more of that beautiful stuff (and yes, we do!) how do we get it?

First, we ask The Crossroads Question: Am I choosing to live my life believing that people are doing their best or that they’re not?

Because if we’re going to choose the latter, we’ll spend our lives protecting ourselves and armouring up. It’s exhausting and it destroys trust.

When we choose to believe that people are doing their best – with what they have, with what they know, in that moment, we FREE ourselves. We become open to seeing/hearing/knowing others’ good intentions and we build trust. Trust in ourselves to keep assuming generous intent and keep finding generous acts and in turn, trusting others.

You know that saying: “What you focus on, you get more of!”

And as we do this more and more we get better at showing empathy, rather than being judgemental.

(This is key because you can’t do both empathy and judgement at the same time. Try it; impossible! More on the video about this).

Practising generous intent allows us to choose to NOT armour up, nor attack, defend or judge, and consequently, it strengthens our ability to let things go.

We let go of being right.

We let go of the fear of being wrong.

But remember that boundaries are (still) key. Boundaries underpin every part of the BRAVING framework for (re)building trust.

If someone breaches our boundaries, there are consequences (and courageous vulnerable conversations need to occur). At the same time, we also assume generous intent (that they did the best they could with what they knew at the time).

We approach with curiosity to understand — being a learner in any conversation. In believing the other person is doing the best they can, we release ourselves from being the umpire of what is right, wrong, good, bad, and the need to defend.

We become a helper, supporter, problem solver, facilitator, coach.

Which I promise is far less exhausting and more fun!

Here are my top strategies for extending generous intent that I cover in my video:

• We ask “What if?” to stop our judgemental thinking and free our minds to then…
• Be courageous and assume generous intent.
• We maintain our boundaries of what is and isn’t ok for us (making it safe for us to move into generous intent), so we can...
• Show compassion to others who are doing their best, and…
• Show compassion to ourselves as we do our best too.

Just like any hard to master skill, it takes practise. Lots of practise. In little and big moments. That will make you swallow hard at times to try and stay out of judgement and search for the curiosity, empathy and courage to assume generous intent!

But it’s worth the practise because this is life changing.

Knowing this and being self-compassionate, help us undo our in-built conditioning. We slow down and notice what’s going on in our brain and in our heart. We get connected to ourselves and each other as we seek to practise, and re-practise extending generous intent to others.

And with this last of the seven elements of BRAVING, we build and rebuild trust.

I’m going to finish up here with a great quote, again by the awesome Brené Brown:

"Move in closer. It’s hard to hate [or fear or judge] close up."

Go on, press PLAY ▶️, at the top of the post, to learn more about generous intent as we complete the BRAVING framework for (Re)building Trust…

(Speed me up to chipmunk 🐿️ in the settings, if you need a faster pace!) 

Enjoy, and I’ll be back soon to talk about what’s happening next for LIFT!